Black Light
The Poetry
A life poetry story that happens in the darkness of the light of people's life
20 Years
I entered the 20s
The beginning of adulthood
Independent, curiosity, bravery, you name it
Am I ready for this? I don’t.
I haven’t even experienced the teenage life
No school memories
No happy childhood memories
Am I expecting good, happy memories in 20s? absolutely
But I am not ready to face them
Everything I am having is temporary
Müde
As I started my degree, life has changed
I met new people, new challenges, new experience
And I am getting used to it as I have seen this before
Just a regular routine of my tired, boring life
Assignments, quizzes, midterms, finals, the cycle goes on
What else do you expect? Party? Hanging out? Enjoying life? Love?
I had none of it
Why you may ask, it’s simple
I have no one, focusing on academics too much, and isolated myself from others’
Trust issues always hits me hard, even on my own family
I do not want to trust nor love
I am afraid and tired
Trouver l'amour
Finding love
I.
I met this guy
He is a male version of myself
We talk online, video call, sending memes, are the lines
We both have a crush
He likes me, I like him too
But we both are afraid
Afraid it will ruin the friendship
Afraid this talk will stop, forever
Afraid one of us will be misunderstood
Afraid we will meet a better person
I haven’t been in love
I don’t know whether I am in love or not
Or it’s just my monkey imagination
II.
I want to fall in love with the person
I want to show my affection to him
I want to show my desires and my interest to him
I want to go out, dance, eat, and cuddle with him
I want to hug him, so bad till I don’t want to let him go
I want to hug him like I am showing my love with my hug
I want a romantic, faithful relationship, not a lustful, fake relationship
I want him to love me more than anything
Because I crave love
Not just any love, a true love
I want to pour all my love onto him
That’s how I am desperate to fall in love with the right person
That’s how love means
Escaping
I have escaped from the pit of depression
But not fully
I am still stuck in the paradox of anxiety and emptiness
Sudden attack of loneliness
Isolating myself in room
Punishing myself to the extreme
My body does not stay in one mood
It changes, but in distorted way
Crying everyday alone in dark
Until my tears ran out, just my heart felt heavy and hard to breathe
Unable to scream
That’s how sudden depression hits
That’s where I crave love and comfort
But they are far away or there’s no one
I am writing now, with empty heart and messy mind
I am letting my emotions and broken soul to write
People say things easily, giving advice with no experiences
But we are the one knows how it truly feels
And it’s hard to share, even to your own family
Because of their judgmental mind
I am still finding ways to escape from this
Still finding it~
Melancholy
A serial killer
A silent-heart eater
A bloodsucker
A bottomless pit
A zombie
Unloved, judged
Until one point there goes
Sitting in the dark
Avoid the outer world
Preparing to end life
Falling into the endless ground
Living without a soul
A blissful torture
Wetting the blade with blood
And saying ‘I’m fine’
Why?
A sense of relief or satisfaction?
Release tension and anger?
To see yourself suffer?
Behind the mask
A group of nine wearing two masks
One to show the good, healthy side
Another one they hide
They are all roses with thorns
One down wearing the true mask
Letting the problems take over thoughts and feelings
Slowly drowning in the ocean of endlessness
Living in a paradox
Neither happy nor sad
Screaming without sound
Crying without tears
Killing without weapon
What the world sees is their performance
Not behind the scenes
They are here cause the world rejects them
And creating a new world
To show their true self, the real mask
And living their life behind the curtains
So they can be alone forever, peace
Rain
Falling from clouds fearlessly
Wetting the soil lovingly
Leaving trails at the windows
Reminding them that I am still exists
Giving them the fresh air to sleep and breath
Lighting up their life when they needed
Alar them when they are down
And slowly vanishing into thin air
With no trace.
Sorrows & Pain
Interest
It is just a word of imagination
Where we just imagine
And fall into pain and suffering
Or maybe it is just a dream, who knows
We plant things that we like
And cut them off because of others
Why?
We tried to forget what others said
Nothing happens, no changes
It still haunts us like shadows
Where we cannot escape from it
How many times do you want to hurt me, how many?
I’m still standing back because I know
I know you won’t live me alone
Even after I become somebody
It will be fresh in my memory
Whenever I do what I like
You will come in front of me
To remind me
And to discourage me
I cannot hide my sorrows for so long
Afraid it will burst one day
Lonely
Every time when I see the moon, it reminds me of myself:
Surrounded by darkness
Giving light to other people’s lives
Hiding myself behind the clouds
No stars are near to keep company
Smiling to people’s cameras, alone
Always there for you but fail to see it
The flaws that you can’t see in naked eyes
And showing the bright side
Yet, still shining brightly in dark sky.
Adulthood
This happens swiftly
I didn’t expect this happens so fast
I got my internship at KL
As I couldn’t find any nearer place
But this can be a good excuse to see the world, meet new people
It’s hard and tiring to travel 2.5 hours to work
But hard work pays off
I liked my internship
Met new people, and explore the new world, all alone
Learnt to be independent and knowledgeable
Three months passed
I still continue working, but as a part-timer
I feel the adultness in me were very proud of my decision
I can see the real world
I can see the value of life
I can see the new, changing norm
Working hard pays off & gave me happiness
That’s what I want at this moment
Rather than doing nothing for next two months
I am excited to go back to campus after 2 years
But I can’t meet them as it’s their turn to intern
I need to bear another 3 months, alone
But it’s okay cause I’m getting used to it
Protagonist's View
PART I
6.09 am
You find a window seat
You put your laptop bag at the side, your tote bag on your lap
Dark sky, glooming streetlights with few cars on the road
People slowly fill up the seat
The first train always be quite empty
The door alarms as it closes shut
You jolt slightly as the train starts to move slowly.
15 stops to go
6.38 am
You put on your earbuds and turn on some soft music
You close your eyes as you’re still sleepy
You woke up as you feel a movement beside you
A woman sits beside you and drowses off
Not all people are a morning person
Most of the eyes are close shut with earphones on
10 stops to go
7.01 am
Sun beaming through the glass
The train is getting full
You rub your hands to warm yourself
Some are still sleeping
You watch the busy roads filled with cars, motorbikes
7 stops to go
7.26 am
All have opened their eyes
Scrolling through their phones, waiting for their stop
You change your song playlist to more hype
People getting in and out at each stop
5 stops to go
8.01 am
You see your stop approaching
You start to take your laptop bag
Getting ready with your pass cards
Your stop arrives
You walk out of the train
Warm air hit your face as your glasses fogs for a while
You rush up the staircase
You scan your pass card and walk towards another train stop
You can in and run toward the escalator
You manage to get on the almost-filled train
10 stops to go
8.14 am
You are holding the cold iron bars
Watching the view outside as people inside the train are busy scrolling their phones
You see people walking to high skyscrapers
Expensive cars stuck in the traffic
Graffiti on the concrete river walls say “The water sparks fire”
5 stops to go
8.20 am
You sit on the empty seat
You see a couple (around in their 20s) sitting not far from you
The girl is drowsing off as the guy embraces her
The guy warms her icy-cold hands with his jacket
You see this from far, with no judgment
3 stops to go
8.30 am
Your stop arrives
You get down, walking towards the gate
The couple is walking behind you, still holding hands
You catch a taxi and head to the office
On the way, you see the same couple walking together along the path walk
You reach your office building
Protagonist's View
PART II
5.05 am
Alarm went off
Cold morning, warm blanket
Making it hard to get out of the bed
Half awake, went to brush my teeth and hot shower
5.30 am
Dressed up with sweater and jeans
Chugged with cold water and vitamins
Packed her laptop bag and cold lunch
Went to the train station
6.10am
Train started to move
The sky is still dark, birds have started their morning routine
Snapchat notification popped in her phone
A snap and a good morning message
22 days streak
“Good morning love”, “Morning babe”
Keeping in touch with her after talking in Instagram
Love, like, lust….. still in investigation
Texting back with “Good morning bb”
Drowsing back to sleep
8.10 am
She woke up by the notification from him
Saying “Take care and be careful babe”
Left it seen, looking at the window
3 stops to go
The train is full with sleepy faces and busy hands
8.46 am
Entered the office
Slight drizzle with cool breeze
She opened her laptop, checking her emails and schedules
No notifications from him
1.03 pm
Ate the cold tuna sandwich with onions and tomatoes
Orange as a dessert
He sent a snap of himself, handsome as always
She does sent snaps but not her face, but the place or an object
Insecure with her appearance
Once in a while she sent a selfie snap
He loves it and complements her for being beautiful
She blushes and insecure about it, but in a good way
They talk like they miss each other for a decade
Both went back to their work
5.30 pm
Acquaintances started to pack up to go home
She packed up and followed with them to catch bus
Drizzling, with warm sunlight beams
She headed to the train station
7.01 pm
He sent a message
Asking where is she
She put on her earbuds, turned on Euphoria playlist
That’s the mood she was in right now
Standing in the fully packed moving train
Texting back to him, updating her status
and ending the conversations with “I love you”
First Love
When I was 13
I met a guy in a history class
Personable, adorable, quiet
Yes, you heard me
He is cute when he’s clueless
Shutters whenever he talks to me
Nervous, not familiar with talking to girls, I don’t know
But I like that shyness in him
Masculine look with a shy personality
He is my first crush
For three years
We just look at each other, having small talks
Nothing much happens
I can sense he had feelings for me
But I am not too sure or maybe I am dreaming about it
I lost touch for years till I was 17
I saw him again
We did talk, still shy in words
We exchange Instagram accounts
That’s how we talk and respond to posts and stories
But this time, the feeling toward him was not there
We talked again after 3 years
This time, it was more than a talk
It was obvious he wants to tell the truth
The truth of loving me
He hints whenever we talk
“Dating anyone? Loving anyone?”
I played it cool
I want him to tell his feelings straight
Bold and sweet
We played truth or dare game
Asking each other personal questions and love-related questions
Asking about my past love, current crush, and current status
He kept on asking my crush
“Who is he? Did he propose to you yet?”
I replied “He is someone you know, but there’s no green flag yet”
He asked “I can help you to talk to him”
I replied “You can’t, you have to help yourself”
There’s a silence
He replied “I fell in love the first we met but I don’t know if you love me the way I feel”
“I love you”
Ghosting
It has been over a month
We’re still in talking stage
Sending snaps, good morning and good night texts everyday
Asking how’s the day went and life updates
It’s hard to talk through text
Whether he loves me truly or not
I couldn’t see any red flags
Even though we text everyday, we are not clingy
We text each other when we are free
Giving each other personal space
Sometimes we crave affection like hugs, cuddles and kiss
We always admire each other’s efforts and accomplishment
This is what I expect in a relationship
Personal space, supporting each other, comfort, love
But I am doubting
Does he love me, ghosting me, or playing me?